i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Randomize