if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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