I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Randomize
