Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
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