he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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