You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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