We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
