I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
