ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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