got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
organizing the empties. That sober.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
