I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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