he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Randomize
