she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
