You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
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