if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
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