i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
