oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
In America we eat man semen.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Randomize
