What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Randomize
