He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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