Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
i just wanna soil my oats bro
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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