Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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