Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
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