weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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