he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Randomize
