you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
