dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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