woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
