Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Randomize
