Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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