i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
