she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
thus making me awesome and them whores
it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Randomize
