WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
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