The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
wakey wakey hands off snakey
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
