i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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