i just wanna soil my oats bro
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
sarcasm needs its own font
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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