what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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