Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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