My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
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