Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?
yes...dear jesus what did you do?
bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
