i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
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