I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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