mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
