Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
