I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
i would punch a child for taco bell
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I just want to make out with him forever
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
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