I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Randomize
