If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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