she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
