sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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