You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
