hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
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