i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
