me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize