I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
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