Your face is a jimmy john
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
