Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
